increasingly and perpetually alone...

As the days pass by more increasingly and steadily I realize the fundamental truth of being Human is the lack of actually being humane. That love and sex, life and death, happiness are all so intrinsically tied into a string of lies. We are but alone. When you die you do it alone, when you're born you enter this life alone. The more I walk around I realize that worth and value are lies we tell ourselves to avoid the truth that life means nothing. That we are not here for a reason that the world is not an oyster asking you and telling you to enjoy it. There is little joy and happiness is something that one stumbles on but, the irony of happiness is knowing that you never feel it till its moved past you. That the more isolated you become the more that life overwhelms you and black cloaked death seems like an oasis a lonely beach where water erodes away the land and tears at the shore just enough to take a piece each time to where your standing on the sand wanting to just throw yourself in with every piece that's taken from you every grain of your soul lost taken and sometimes even stolen I sit on this beach and I wonder why is it easier to feel nothing to avoid seemingly good things to watch people fall in love, babies laugh, friends smile and lovers caress each other and fell happy for them instead of wondering why my soul is so tortured and love eludes me and I am left feeling prisoned and sick with toxic thoughts of why and how come? This day the sun is shining and the weather is warm and for all intensive purposes I should smile and laugh and be "happy" and I am not I feel restless like I'm breathing in some gypsy wind, I want to runaway to a place so unfamiliar where no one will find me and I can try to not think these insane thought so that the person I think I am can be there the one that likes to play the one who is fun and light and not heavy and filled with black decay. I'm very tired of the life that I live the one where I am that girl who has no one and feels so lonely and alone. I want someone to love me for once and not be afraid and that I am enough that I am enough to change a plan to want in their life to be a part of a life, and not so alone. Im a little sad today...