To
day I woke up the with the usual grogginess and my body's fight with my mind to get out of bed, My mind negotiating and renegotiating another five more minutes of sweet blissful shut eye. I pulled my self from the pillows of sleepy wonderment and showered, brushed my teeth, dried my hair, and listened to my Ojos de bruha Cd while deciding the right jeans and appropriate work day attire accompanied by a pair of sensible shoes for the walk and cute, fun heels for the office and set off for the train ride to my job. A typical day. Nothing too amazing or exemplary just a normal Thursday. I even got the same cup of coffee from the cafe two blocks from my apt on Haight street, walked to the N and waited patiently for my silver horse to ride gallantly up to scoop me in for yet another exciting day.
Then as I am staring blankly at the scenery flying by me as I ride to work, it dawned on me; this ray of knowledge that shook me to my very core. I stood there hand gripped to the pole above my head and began an awesome realization, this immense insight and incredible knowledge bestowed upon me about who I was and where I was going. It was more than an epiphany...it was an awakening....there amongst all these people crowded around me on the train. I had awoken. I had finally seen what it was that I had been blind to for so long. A deep and obtrusive darkness that could not and would not allow me to really see what was happening to me and the road I was stumbling on.
A little background...
I have since I can remember been in love with... well, love. A simple idea of how to be just completely sick with it. The ability to lose time, to want only for the thrill of seeing that person again. I love ridiculous romantic movies and stories of Great Love the ones that have been passed down through the ages as examples of the true meaning, the only way to be. The Romeos and the Juliet's. So its is not surprising that as a young girl I would fantasize about this topic and for years through high school and college.
Knowing what I just wrote before and being a solid 29, a woman divorced and not really dating. My partial realization came in three parts to fill my heart with so much joy and shed the heavy cloak of regret around my shoulders. Here is the first part of my realization, I have for years possibly my whole life taken care of things for others: my sister, my mother, my friends, and later my boyfriends, and latest my husband. That being said I sacrificed things for them not that they were aware or would've asked me to do any of it. I sacrificed things like school, friends, work, etc. You get the idea. So that was my first realization. Which is kinda yucky. Mostly because I hadn't realized how much I had given up just to be with someone, who loved me.
The second part of this realization was huge. Here it goes (deep Breath). I really don't want to be in love with someone. I don't want a boyfriend, a husband, or anyone really in that way. Trust me I do want to have sex, to go out, to eat dinner. I just don't want to think about someone else while I do any of those activities. Its not a jaded you just haven't met the right one yet thing either its more of a I don't think I can trust myself to be with someone in that state and still think about me at all. I don't think I know how to keep the right balance.
So this is the best and most crucial part of this whole dissertation on the complexities of my thought process this morning.
What if I invested the same amount of time effort and thoughts on me and not on "them"...
What if I thought about me first and not a guy or finding a guy or what that guy is thinking. What if I thought strictly and completely about me?
How would I feel? What would I do?
I have never felt more excited than now about my plans for the future...no its not a nunnery although I'm pretty sure that the lounge in hell has a martini waiting just for me.
So here is how I feel...
I feel really good. Like really good. I'm fucking excited. Do you have any idea the amount of tears I will save the lines on my face will disappear the light will surround me as I enter this amazon state.
So here is what I'm going to do...
I'm going back to school in the spring I'm finishing my degree in business with an emphasis on foreign affairs as fast as possible. Then I'm getting my MBA in International Business with a focus on Global world markets. Why you ask, because I can. In the interim I am taking my California Broker test, going to go to Paris in October for a week,Mexico for Christmas, and I plan on spending a month in 2009 in either Thailand or Indonesia just chilling out maybe catching some waves and getting tribal tattoos. I would also like to hike Kilimanjaro next fall.
How exciting is that....So much to do....so much time.
Now I am wearing the shoes of a young woman on the brink of an amazing life, a young woman who just decided to invest in herself and to be who she always thought she was, but never let her be.
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