They were here in San Francisco and I missed them. So I thought I would share...
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Friday, July 25, 2008
The Best movie Ever
The Dark Knight is the Best movie I have seen since Juno for sure maybe even Departed. I am in love with Christian Bale he and Heath Ledger are so good in this film. The only thing that I thought was cheesy was Christian Bale's Batman voice it was really raspy and I just wanted to give him some hot tea...in bed. It is the most violent graphic Batman movie to date.
I saw it last night at the Metreon with some friends SO worth going to see this. Its just that good. Heath Ledger as the joker is amazing its the performance of a lifetime. He is the ultimate psycho villain.
I am in love with Christian Bale, he is just such a good actor and so handsome.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
The Godfather
I decided a long time ago that I didn't want to have kids of my own. I wanted to be around them, I hoped my sister would have them, so that I was not under any pressure from my parents to have children. Then In December 2005, I thought I was going to have one, and surprisingly I actually wanted it, I had changed my mind. I had been really scared and excited and I remember feeling like it was going to be such a wonderful addition to my life at that point. I had all the necessary financials a somewhat committed partner. Until one morning my body rejected it or maybe the baby rejected me.
Later on I found out the prospects of me physically carrying a baby to term were almost impossible. That change rippled through every single aspect of my life at the time and created so many waves I thought for sure I would never fully recover from that experience. Until my experiences sent me down a path I had no idea was there.
This was early 2006, when I became really close to a friend of mine Jaime.; I think we might actually be sisters, we definitely get accused of that or lesbian motherhood (long story). I was there when she first found out she was having a baby and I remember feeling the same as when I was pregnant fucking scared. She had refused to tell us for awhile, her closest friends and I was so happy/scared for her even though, I joked that she broke up our band (the pink socks). From that moment on we did a lot of things together Starbucks, sushi parties sans the raw fish, BBQ and just shopping. Spring came in 2007, and she was rushed to Reno for having some problems with the pregnancy. I remember being so worried and just scared but, I hate hospitals and I really suck at dealing with any of the things associated with hospitals and why people are there. So, I brought her shampoo to wash her hair with Tara and I went to the hospital, she was OK in a little over three weeks. About a month or so later she had a beautiful little girl named Aubrey, I donned an evening gown for this special birthday party.
That little girl is the best. She loves me more than anyone I have ever met. I became the godfather because she already had a godmother (were not together). Aubrey is an amazing little girl who just brings me so much joy. I don't know what it is but, she will just sit on my lap and chill for hours she and I have this bond that has always been there since she was born. Its really awesome she loves her Auntie Fawne and it makes me so happy I want to cry sometimes. There is nothing more profound in the human condition than knowing that a child loves you by choice and for no other reason than they know you will always keep them safe. Its amazing this baby hasn't had any tainted experiences with people there is no predisposition on love for her she just loves who she loves some more than others and of course she knows here family. Her birthday was so hard for me because I knew that I was leaving and I wouldn't be there to see her everyday. Thus, I was named the Godfather. I included some pictures of my Aubrey, because I think of her often and miss seeing her everyday. Here she is from my last visit.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
increasingly and perpetually alone...
As the days pass by more increasingly and steadily I realize the fundamental truth of being Human is the lack of actually being humane. That love and sex, life and death, happiness are all so intrinsically tied into a string of lies. We are but alone. When you die you do it alone, when you're born you enter this life alone. The more I walk around I realize that worth and value are lies we tell ourselves to avoid the truth that life means nothing. That we are not here for a reason that the world is not an oyster asking you and telling you to enjoy it. There is little joy and happiness is something that one stumbles on but, the irony of happiness is knowing that you never feel it till its moved past you. That the more isolated you become the more that life overwhelms you and black cloaked death seems like an oasis a lonely beach where water erodes away the land and tears at the shore just enough to take a piece each time to where your standing on the sand wanting to just throw yourself in with every piece that's taken from you every grain of your soul lost taken and sometimes even stolen I sit on this beach and I wonder why is it easier to feel nothing to avoid seemingly good things to watch people fall in love, babies laugh, friends smile and lovers caress each other and fell happy for them instead of wondering why my soul is so tortured and love eludes me and I am left feeling prisoned and sick with toxic thoughts of why and how come? This day the sun is shining and the weather is warm and for all intensive purposes I should smile and laugh and be "happy" and I am not I feel restless like I'm breathing in some gypsy wind, I want to runaway to a place so unfamiliar where no one will find me and I can try to not think these insane thought so that the person I think I am can be there the one that likes to play the one who is fun and light and not heavy and filled with black decay. I'm very tired of the life that I live the one where I am that girl who has no one and feels so lonely and alone. I want someone to love me for once and not be afraid and that I am enough that I am enough to change a plan to want in their life to be a part of a life, and not so alone. Im a little sad today...
Monday, July 21, 2008
Crock
I have to say that I hate Crocs. When, I ask you did it become OK to wear gardener's shoes out anywhere but your yard? Please someone tell me why people are wearing these awful, awful shoes. I see them everywhere in different colors and they may be the ugliest shoes I have ever seen. I wouldn't wear these to a hog fight yet they are ALL over the place, on adults and now poor kids with no say are having these hideous shoes thrust upon their feet by their parents; It is just plain mean. 
I cant believe that the fashion industry is inflicting these awful shoes on unsuspecting no fashion sense people who are donning these Crocs with a pair of sweats. What you are saying to the world at large people is "I give up" sweats and Crocs are my new statement of I no longer care I am wearing lounge wear every day, to the grocery store, to the movies, and to clubs. Its just really sad. Why did people assume these were 'going out' shoes just because they sell them at Whole Foods market. Let me tell all the Neo-hippies out there this fun fact Plastic will never be organic. So as you slip your foot into a croc think about the 6 year old pouring the brightly colored plastic into the mold of your croc and breathing in all the highly toxic fumes and just remember your contributing to yet another disaster that wont biodegrade. Hippies
I cant believe that the fashion industry is inflicting these awful shoes on unsuspecting no fashion sense people who are donning these Crocs with a pair of sweats. What you are saying to the world at large people is "I give up" sweats and Crocs are my new statement of I no longer care I am wearing lounge wear every day, to the grocery store, to the movies, and to clubs. Its just really sad. Why did people assume these were 'going out' shoes just because they sell them at Whole Foods market. Let me tell all the Neo-hippies out there this fun fact Plastic will never be organic. So as you slip your foot into a croc think about the 6 year old pouring the brightly colored plastic into the mold of your croc and breathing in all the highly toxic fumes and just remember your contributing to yet another disaster that wont biodegrade. Hippies
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Mark twain
"We have pacified some thousands of the islanders and buried them; destroyed their fields; burned their villages, and turned their widows and orphans out-of-doors; furnished heartbreak by exile to some dozens of disagreeable patriots; subjugated the remaining 10 millions by Benevolent Assimilation, which is the pious new name of the musket. And so, by these Providences of God -- and the phrase is the government's, not mine -- we are a World Power.”
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