Friday, July 25, 2008

The Best movie Ever

The Dark Knight is the Best movie I have seen since Juno for sure maybe even Departed. I am in love with Christian Bale he and Heath Ledger are so good in this film. The only thing that I thought was cheesy was Christian Bale's Batman voice it was really raspy and I just wanted to give him some hot bed. It is the most violent graphic Batman movie to date.

I saw it last night at the Metreon with some friends SO worth going to see this. Its just that good. Heath Ledger as the joker is amazing its the performance of a lifetime. He is the ultimate psycho villain.

I am in love with Christian Bale, he is just such a good actor and so handsome.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Todays Moment of Zen....

The Godfather

I decided a long time ago that I didn't want to have kids of my own. I wanted to be around them, I hoped my sister would have them, so that I was not under any pressure from my parents to have children. Then In December 2005, I thought I was going to have one, and surprisingly I actually wanted it, I had changed my mind. I had been really scared and excited and I remember feeling like it was going to be such a wonderful addition to my life at that point. I had all the necessary financials a somewhat committed partner. Until one morning my body rejected it or maybe the baby rejected me.
Later on I found out the prospects of me physically carrying a baby to term were almost impossible. That change rippled through every single aspect of my life at the time and created so many waves I thought for sure I would never fully recover from that experience. Until my experiences sent me down a path I had no idea was there.
This was early 2006, when I became really close to a friend of mine Jaime.; I think we might actually be sisters, we definitely get accused of that or lesbian motherhood (long story). I was there when she first found out she was having a baby and I remember feeling the same as when I was pregnant fucking scared. She had refused to tell us for awhile, her closest friends and I was so happy/scared for her even though, I joked that she broke up our band (the pink socks). From that moment on we did a lot of things together Starbucks, sushi parties sans the raw fish, BBQ and just shopping. Spring came in 2007, and she was rushed to Reno for having some problems with the pregnancy. I remember being so worried and just scared but, I hate hospitals and I really suck at dealing with any of the things associated with hospitals and why people are there. So, I brought her shampoo to wash her hair with Tara and I went to the hospital, she was OK in a little over three weeks. About a month or so later she had a beautiful little girl named Aubrey, I donned an evening gown for this special birthday party.
That little girl is the best. She loves me more than anyone I have ever met. I became the godfather because she already had a godmother (were not together). Aubrey is an amazing little girl who just brings me so much joy. I don't know what it is but, she will just sit on my lap and chill for hours she and I have this bond that has always been there since she was born. Its really awesome she loves her Auntie Fawne and it makes me so happy I want to cry sometimes. There is nothing more profound in the human condition than knowing that a child loves you by choice and for no other reason than they know you will always keep them safe. Its amazing this baby hasn't had any tainted experiences with people there is no predisposition on love for her she just loves who she loves some more than others and of course she knows here family. Her birthday was so hard for me because I knew that I was leaving and I wouldn't be there to see her everyday. Thus, I was named the Godfather. I included some pictures of my Aubrey, because I think of her often and miss seeing her everyday. Here she is from my last visit.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

increasingly and perpetually alone...

As the days pass by more increasingly and steadily I realize the fundamental truth of being Human is the lack of actually being humane. That love and sex, life and death, happiness are all so intrinsically tied into a string of lies. We are but alone. When you die you do it alone, when you're born you enter this life alone. The more I walk around I realize that worth and value are lies we tell ourselves to avoid the truth that life means nothing. That we are not here for a reason that the world is not an oyster asking you and telling you to enjoy it. There is little joy and happiness is something that one stumbles on but, the irony of happiness is knowing that you never feel it till its moved past you. That the more isolated you become the more that life overwhelms you and black cloaked death seems like an oasis a lonely beach where water erodes away the land and tears at the shore just enough to take a piece each time to where your standing on the sand wanting to just throw yourself in with every piece that's taken from you every grain of your soul lost taken and sometimes even stolen I sit on this beach and I wonder why is it easier to feel nothing to avoid seemingly good things to watch people fall in love, babies laugh, friends smile and lovers caress each other and fell happy for them instead of wondering why my soul is so tortured and love eludes me and I am left feeling prisoned and sick with toxic thoughts of why and how come? This day the sun is shining and the weather is warm and for all intensive purposes I should smile and laugh and be "happy" and I am not I feel restless like I'm breathing in some gypsy wind, I want to runaway to a place so unfamiliar where no one will find me and I can try to not think these insane thought so that the person I think I am can be there the one that likes to play the one who is fun and light and not heavy and filled with black decay. I'm very tired of the life that I live the one where I am that girl who has no one and feels so lonely and alone. I want someone to love me for once and not be afraid and that I am enough that I am enough to change a plan to want in their life to be a part of a life, and not so alone. Im a little sad today...

Monday, July 21, 2008


I have to say that I hate Crocs. When, I ask you did it become OK to wear gardener's shoes out anywhere but your yard? Please someone tell me why people are wearing these awful, awful shoes. I see them everywhere in different colors and they may be the ugliest shoes I have ever seen. I wouldn't wear these to a hog fight yet they are ALL over the place, on adults and now poor kids with no say are having these hideous shoes thrust upon their feet by their parents; It is just plain mean.

I cant believe that the fashion industry is inflicting these awful shoes on unsuspecting no fashion sense people who are donning these Crocs with a pair of sweats. What you are saying to the world at large people is "I give up" sweats and Crocs are my new statement of I no longer care I am wearing lounge wear every day, to the grocery store, to the movies, and to clubs. Its just really sad. Why did people assume these were 'going out' shoes just because they sell them at Whole Foods market. Let me tell all the Neo-hippies out there this fun fact Plastic will never be organic. So as you slip your foot into a croc think about the 6 year old pouring the brightly colored plastic into the mold of your croc and breathing in all the highly toxic fumes and just remember your contributing to yet another disaster that wont biodegrade. Hippies

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Mark twain

"We have pacified some thousands of the islanders and buried them; destroyed their fields; burned their villages, and turned their widows and orphans out-of-doors; furnished heartbreak by exile to some dozens of disagreeable patriots; subjugated the remaining 10 millions by Benevolent Assimilation, which is the pious new name of the musket. And so, by these Providences of God -- and the phrase is the government's, not mine -- we are a World Power.”

Love is a reciprocal torture.
Marcel Proust

Best idea I've seen

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

saying goodbye...

I am saying goodbye to all the boys from before, the Tahoe boys the peter pan boys of my twenties and moving into a whole new agenda. Anew with no boys only great friends and monkish type behavior. I decided that I am the only person I should date or take to dinner, shows, museums, and all other activities that invoke coupledumb. Its summer and I should be enjoying. Not wondering. So good bye boys of before all exes and near misses, and one nights, and the ones you laugh about sleeping with. I'm breaking up with relationships that involve any notion of romance. Romance is dead. I live now for the prospect of movies and shows, fun plays, concerts, art, and most of all for me. No more of the wondering, waiting, over analyzing. I only attract guys who don't want to be with me. Therefore I will only allow myself the opportunity to attract guys who are gay and would love to hang out but we'll never ruin our friendship because they are completely freaked out by Vagina. Simple.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Some day I will write....again

When the world has gone black and the devils on your back. There's no where to turn and worlds are going to burn and the sun is gone and the moon shines on and everything is dark and people walk with their shoes inside out and that place that was once happy is now sad. when you live in a world f hypocrisy and you cant find your democracy and that title that was given seems to have lost its meaning and that pat on the back seems like a knife in your side and the world you once saw has lost its draw and the place that you live isnt a place after all. The illusion you seek only makes you weak. On the day you were born you were given a decision and you lost your way through the sickness and decay. Can you come out on top when your down at the bottom. does your body go on when your mind has forgotten. Do you feel the speed of a generation of greed can you fill the holes that pollute your soul. did you become blind in your quest for perfection or did just question your reasons for discretion. And as you sit do you wish you were once where you were when you had just begun. Can your mind handle the tradegy of living that calamity. do you rush rush till its all a bust did you steal the wheel to turn the tide of your infinite demise or did you finally get what was wrong and not right. Today my friends is the day of light. refresh the mind embrace your soul see the toll your body has taken to find the foresaken. can you relate to a world held hostage by hate or do you just sit and wait till its staring at you from your dinner plate. When does it end your apathy when your only care is geography. do you believe with the believers, the changers, the thinkers, the seers, the doers, not the takers, the shakers, the money makers. embrace the poets, the writers, artists, the music, and feel the revolution of a world asleep and a nation under a spell of destruction and hate dont lie down with a dog to wake up with fleas. Dont roll over till its up to your knees. patience is a virtue but apathy is a trait. So wake up to a notion that you drank some strange potion your asleep at the wheel with the devil driving and his shape may fool you he could be a politcian just dont give in to that rendition and turn to watch the light come on and the hour still and that is all I can say about letting the wrongers be right.

Maybe my mom was right?

When I was sixteen my mother gave the strangest advice of my life. She said to me "Fawne, men are like comes in to your life and as soon as they leave another one comes into the station. So dont worry about boys, there 's always one waiting around the corner." I always thought that was depressing and completely bizzarre.

My mom might for once be right... they sure tend to come and go. I think it might be a fairly hopeful idea to me almost a sense of comfort. Its a little depressing to think that they(men) are that replaceable, but its kind of refreshing too. I like the train station...